Forgiveness is a great lesson in our lives, I would say the most important, and we all sometimes find ourselves in a situation where we cannot or do not want to forgive, as we said or thought at least once in our life that old, well-known sentence; “I will never forgive you for this”
“Resistance to forgiveness is found in emotions.”
For those who receive forgiveness, it is often a gift that can be a motive to start changing, or at least wondering what they did and why, and for those who forgive, it is always liberation and creating space for peace and something new. Despite all this, forgiveness in our daily lives can be a real challenge and not always easy to achieve.
To forgive means to penetrate into human unconsciousness, to understand the pain that led the abuser to inflict pain on us, to understand that the act that hurt him has nothing to do with us personally, that he is the result of all the wounds the abuser carries within him and simply – to let go.
Anyone who has ever been hurt in any way (and there is no man who is not) must decide whether to forgive the one who hurt him or not, regardless of the size and type of injury. Not because someone asks us to, but because without forgiveness peace is impossible. Trapped in their pain and hatred of the source of that pain, people often miss the opportunity to learn something about true love.
Forgiving does not mean letting the abuser take no responsibility before the law. Forgiveness does not mean that the injured should continue the relationship with the abuser. To forgive means to penetrate into human unconsciousness and the possibility of error, into human weakness and pain, to understand the pain that led the abuser to inflict pain on us, to understand that the act that hurt him has nothing to do with us personally, that he is the result of all the wounds the abuser has carry within and simply – let go.
To release the bonds of anger, resentment, pain, resentment, hatred, desire for revenge, let all relationships between us and the abuser disappear, thanks to a deep understanding of human weaknesses and deep compassion that we can find in ourselves despite everything. Forgiveness is possible if you really choose to do it, because everyone always has a choice between being able to dig through the wound all the time or repair the damage, more precisely, to heal the wound and move on.
When the pain is too great, it seems impossible for everyone to forgive. Among other things, this is the reason that, in order to forgive, we must first fully experience and miss the pain. This is quite difficult as defense mechanisms seek to prevent this. It often happens that people say, “I have completely forgiven and forgotten,” but still resent some people deeply. Usually, this means that one only “thinks” that he has forgiven, that is, to deny unconscious anger and resentment.
If you look at what is happening to you while remembering the event and the bearer of pain and if you find that there are still some emotions about it, this is the best indication that you have not yet forgiven. Many prematurely “forgive”, ie. they convince themselves that they have forgiven, only to not completely face pain and other unpleasant emotions.
The importance of forgiveness will become clear to us when we realize that we can experience emotional hurt and pain on a daily basis: a ruthless driver hits our car in the parking lot and leaves, a shop clerk cuts a piece of salami and taunts us. … We are hurt by the people who love us the most: our parents. We could constantly be angry and guilty about the whole world and thus deprive ourselves of the opportunity to live at all. But let’s look at the other side: they all do it out of ignorance, because they are unconscious. Which one of us can say that he never hurt anyone? We do it ourselves, mostly unintentionally.
Forgiveness is a process, it does not happen overnight. It is necessary to work on it until we overcome all emotions related to the events in which we were hurt. And we can only overcome them if we face them and miss them, on the one hand, and on the other we try to put ourselves in the position of the person who hurt us, to experience her pain and hurt, to see her as the child she once was, the child who others have also hurt …
Through these three steps to forgiveness and what forgiveness brings us all, try to finally let go of your past and get rid of all that you carry deeply buried within. Sometimes the first step is to forgive those who are closest to you, and this will make it easier for you to forgive yourself, as this is always the hardest. Each of these steps in a specific way leads you to the power of forgiveness that lies within each of us and works step by step.
1. Awareness and face your emotions – resistance to forgiveness lies precisely in emotions, because on a mental level we can rationalize why someone has done something unforgivable, because deep down you feel anger, rejection, anger, sacrifice and pain. When we start accusing we need to look deep into where those accusations come from and allow emotions to be what they are. The purpose of this step is twofold because if we control our emotions then we have the choice to release them. Instead of forgiving immediately, we take responsibility for our feelings, and if we can, let’s try to get started, with a small part of letting go of what the story should have looked like. Forgiveness is almost as difficult as forgiveness, but at least try to tell yourself that you are ready to let go and that you do not have to stay stuck with that feeling.
2. Write down your reasons for not forgiving someone – this is best written in the form of a letter. Write in detail your resistance and reasons, then let it pass one day and then return to your letter and add if you have forgotten something. When you are completely satisfied, do not send it, simply leave it if you need it as your own reminder of what is important, which is that you have “thrown out” everything. We all need a little motivation, so we need little for forgiveness too. There can be a number of different reasons that keep us motivated, and one of them is stubbornness that justifies the anger involved. Now ask yourself if your resistance is ready to move without some special expectations of yourself. If there is still great resistance and you are very angry and feel great pain and that what you are trying to forgive is unforgivable, it is better to be aware of the truth of how you feel about it than to pretend. If your motivation for forgiveness is so weak, being honest with yourself will allow at least some of the accumulated anger, sadness and pain to be released.
3. Release resistance and anger, now and here – you can only change what you are aware of and have already gained awareness of the situation you are in. Resistance and anger keep you focused and stuck on the situation you’re working on. Go back to your letter and read it, and just make sure that the resistance is loosening, then ask yourself if you are ready to slowly reduce the resistance if you still feel it. Don’t force yourself, just see if there are any other interpretations of events to help ease the burden of anger and resentment you carry. A more positive feeling will slowly emerge, which will be your small motivation to begin the process of forgiveness. Stop when you feel resistance and set it aside for a moment and realize how you feel if you are at peace with the person you cannot forgive. Feel the warmth in your heart and if you are crying, simply pay off everything you feel right now. If you can, feel the love for that person, wish them all the best and give them freedom, absolutely everything in your power.
The last step of forgiveness is to move your state of consciousness to a more positive and higher level. When we cannot forgive someone, we do no harm to others but to ourselves. Forgiveness is a gift we give to ourselves, it frees us from our connections with the past and the bad behavior of someone towards us. And this does not mean that we approve of one’s bad behavior, but give new space to ourselves, and accept that everyone is doing the best they can and can do in the moments they are in with all the knowledge and emotions they have at that moment, which is true of ourselves.
Forgiveness is not action, but a state of consequences, and when we remove the obstacles, we come to the realization that forgiveness is completely natural and far easier when we realize that it is part of our spiritual growth and development, as well as part of our path. In our depths, forgiveness is really needed to live the fulfilling and joyful life we want and deserve.